I am only writing on one blog now so for family and friends and clients I apologise to have it all on here but that would be nelles nonsense. Warning this post may be long and sad so skip if you would like. I just wanted to jot down some of the experiences we had gone through to not only have a record of it but also in hopes that maybe it will help someone else who may be going through the same thing.
It is amazing how many people this does happen to, not sure why there is no real written support about it exept that it may be toooo personal for people to write about. I will try to make this short as I have plans in the works to write in a bigger format.
We found out we were going to have a baby in May of 2011. It was around the same time London was getting baptized. We could not be happier and things were going according to plan. Things were going great. I have to admit that I am a prego rockstar. I had my initial apt and bloodwork at 8 wks everything looked great. Went at 12 wks and heard the hearbeat things were great. Went again at 16 wks and heard the heartbeat again weight was good and I was feeling good except for being tired which for me was still in my normal range. Somewhere between 16 wks and 20wks something happened that was not according to my plan.
I had been having feelings that maybe this was not going to happen you know that little voice. I had not been gaining weight like I normally do but I just attributed that to being a little more food wise and I had been working out before and during this pregnancy where before I was young and lazy. We decided to go away for the weekend and before we left B had asked if I wanted to run up to the hospital to have an ultrasound and I said no, if something was wrong I would know. But i think I did know and just did not want to know. So we headed out of town for a fun weekend with family on the mountain in fact the pic above is from that weekend with my lil sis it is the only prego pic i have. The next day was Sunday and during the announcements in church they had announced the funeral services for an angel baby. A warm tingling and a calm understanding came over me that I would too be experiencing what this young mother had.
We went home from church and I told be that I was pretty sure our baby would not make it here to the earth. I had a strong feeling that our baby needed to come and gain the physical body that I was allowed to provide for him and that he would soon return home to heaven. There was a strong understanding in his eyes when I told him and he simply gave me a hug and suggested I rest for the day. As I did I prayed to know what all these feelings meant. Little did I know that two days later I would not here or see a heartbeat on the ultrasound machine. I had to make a decision about what to do.
Brandon rearanged his schedule of patients to meet me at the hospital to deliver our baby. At the time we did not know if we would be having a boy or a girll. After I delivered and it was announced that it was a boy I turned to B and our hearts sank together. I do not know if it would have been any easier if it was a girl. I will not go into details of all that we experienced during the time we were waiting to deliver and after even weeks after but I do know that my prayers were answered and we definately had angels among us during that time. I am so grateful for a gospel that had a plan of where we came from, who we are, and where we are going. I am grateful for a gospel that alows us to pray to our Father in Heaven and feel of his love and spirit through sweet moments of answered prayers. I am grateful for a gospel that believes in Jesus Christ my savior. I am grateful that becuase of his atonement and sacrifice I know that I am not alone even in my sorrow, sadness, gladdness and joy he understands how it feels to love and to loose. I am grateful for all the family and freinds who helped during this time. I am grateful for my three beautiful girls who still have a hard time understanding why they could not see him. They know and I know that we will see him again. That he did come to gain his perfect little body and return home to do a much greater work. Although it is hard, very hard some day to see the eternal perspective of it I am greateful for the knowledge that I wll see him again someday.
Thanks for letting me write this. I could not tell the whole story as it would have taken too long. I could not explain many of the great blessings we recieved at this time because they are still toooo personal but in time.